The Show Must Go On

Hi Girls!

Apologies for the lack of a post last week.  In reality, I had one all ready to go, but upon further reflection and some advice from Zandar, I decided to scrap the whole thing and start over.  You see, it was a pretty disgusting post- mostly about the embarrassing functions of a pregnant body.  It did include a disclaimer, but upon hearing Zandar's grossed out reaction to my dramatic reading of it, I decided that if she couldn't take it, then my mom would definitely not be happy, so it was back to square one.  Just for fun, though, and to give you some insight into what you would have been in for, I've included an excerpt from last week's "Post That Never Was":

Now let's talk about down there.  You know where I mean.  The truth is, I don't have the slightest clue what's going on down there.  What I do know is that I was squatting to pee at work last week, and by some (miraculous?) force of anti-gravity, I managed to pee UP.  That's right:  urine literally running upstream- over my rounded belly and headed towards the pool of my belly button.  Leaving me to gasp in self-disgust and scramble for extra toilet paper.  What is that even about?  I have not had the courage to do any investigating on what could have possibly caused this phenomenon, I have just resigned myself to the fact that I truly am a mess and extra precautions need to be taken in the future.

So you are probably now sighing in relief that you don't have to read a whole post about things of that nature and about how I have to play the piano extra loud in my classes now because of unanticipated bursts of gas.
:( Sorry, that's it, I promise!  I just needed to vent for a moment (no pun intended!)

So speaking of my classes, tonight is my Winter Concert, or to be more accurate, Possibly My Last Concert for Awhile.  Now, I usually am emotional during my last performance with any group of graduating 8th graders, but with the hormones raging, who knows what we will be in for considering it is possibly my last performance with any of these kids, or even at this school.  Truth be told, I might be catatonic about it at this point, if not for some things that have happened over the last few weeks which have made me think that a break might be just the ticket right around now!

First, I cried in front of my entire 7th and 8th grade choir during a rehearsal last week.  The kids were just being jerks and I was so angry with them and I took their bad behavior as a personal affront, which I know that I shouldn't.  I also know that it is not a good idea to cry in front of your students, but as I tried to explain how disappointed I was in them, I couldn't get the words out without breaking down.  As a veteran teacher, I have learned to not take things too personally, but emotions got the better of me that day and I regressed to the sensitive first year teacher I was nine years ago.  Both of my parents scolded me for showing weakness to my students (thanks, Mom and Dad!) and as though I didn't feel foolish enough for letting my exhaustion and feelings get the better of me, several teachers and the principal came up to me to "see if I was okay" because the kids told them that they had made me cry.  Just great.

Next, without getting into too many details here, because who really knows the legal or moral implications of blogging about work stuff, a parent has threatened to "go to the newspapers" about the fact that I won't let his daughter, who has been to one third of the required after school rehearsals and doesn't take chorus as a class (just comes to after school), sing in the concert.  I'm sorry.  Your child didn't sufficiently learn the music in the 2 hours and 15 minutes total that she has spent with me, and she is in violation of the policy.  While I don't think any newspaper is going to be intrigued enough to pursue this at any level (as Cecelia quipped, "Oh great! We were looking for a front page story!") wouldn't that just be a lovely legacy to leave?  Luckily, my wonderful administration is supporting me.

Also, and this has absolutely nothing to do with school, but more to do with wanting to hibernate and not deal with people of any kind for a several month stretch, someone came up to me the other day while I was eating a cookie and said, "That's not very healthy for the baby."  And I slapped her.  No I didn't.  I wanted to.  Instead, I stammered some response about trying to be good during the week, but this time of year there is an abundance of cookies and it's hard... seriously trying to defend myself to this person, when all I could really think was, "You think this little cookie is bad?  You should have seen what I ate yesterday!"  I mean, that whole story puts the NERVE in unnerving.

So, the moral of the story is, I am going to try my best to not over-romanticize tonight.  While I adore my students (most days) and truly love my job, a thirty-one-year-old woman sobbing in front of an audience of adolescents and their parents is never cute, and not the image that I want to leave in people's minds.  Instead, I will try to soak up the experience with gratitude for the blessings I have received in my career, and in anticipation of the blessings of the family I am starting.  I am having my own child now, instead of "borrowing" other people's.  I have to remember that this job has some very high "ups" but very low "downs" as well, and although motherhood may be the same, at least those ups and downs will be on my terms- not decided by outside forces.

I know that there will be more concerts in my future, whether it be next year or in a few years, or a little while down the road.  This is the only one that Baby H will do with me though, and someday I'll show him or her a picture of tonight and ask, "Do you remember when we conducted the Winter Concert together?  You were about the size of a spaghetti squash!"  He or she may look at me like I'm nuts, but I will forever be grateful to this child for helping me get through this night with grace.

So wish me luck, everyone... this is my 10th Winter Concert in this school and at least my 60th total performance as a teacher, and I still get a little nervous.  But tonight is a night to hold my head high with pride for my career accomplishments and with anticipation of the new challenges motherhood will bring.  I am filled with gratitude and excitement about both.