Welcome to Week 9, Everyone! Our baby is the size of a grape, according to some websites, and a green olive according to others. Nice that they consider sweet and savory options. And speaking of sweet or savory options, my choice between the two as of late has been "yes and yes." It's time to get the eating under control, but I'm getting ahead of myself. A post about boobs I promised and a post about boobs you will get- along with all of the other strange happenings of a pregnant body. Buckle up, girls, this should be fun.
Pregnancy is such a strange, strange phenomenon. Each woman has a unique experience and, from what I understand, the experience can be different with each child. The trouble is that while you're dealing with a seemingly random array of ailments, it's still too early to announce to the whole wide world that you're having a baby. So it would appear that you are showing up to work hungover each day and that you really just let yourself go over the summer. You can't explain the REAL reason that you are stalking down to the faculty room during your prep period and picking out all of the jelly munchkins from the box someone brought in. Instead you look like a fatty with no self control, which, if I'm being honest, is becoming partially true.
So just a quick disclaimer: A lot of this post is going to sound like I'm complaining, and I am, in a way. But it is mostly just to make you laugh and to fill you in. And I KNOW that all of the symptoms are such a trivial, temporary price to pay for the miracle that will be our son or daughter and I would and will do it again and then again (God willing). So please don't judge me or think I'm a jerk for writing about this. I know how extremely blessed I am to be able to carry this baby and I really am enjoying every moment of it. That being said, here is a summary of the evil side effects that I've been feeling so far:
1. Exhaustion I mentioned this in the previous post, but it bears repeating. Tired doesn't begin to cover how drained I feel ALL DAY LONG. Now, we teachers are a spoiled bunch, and the first couple of weeks of school usually require a daily nap from 4-5pm, just so we can make it through the evening. So add "first trimester tiredness" to that and see what happens. I'll tell you what happens. You become a slothful ball of mush who cannot FATHOM being able to do ANYTHING after work except sit on the couch. Not wash your tupperware from lunch. Certainly not make dinner. Just lay on the couch and curse Lifetime Television for not yet putting the latest episode of "Drop Dead Diva" on demand yet. (Have you watched that show? It's super-cute!)
2. Sleeplessness Ah, the cruel irony. You can see how this could pose a problem. See, while all day long I daydream of sleep, it turns out that I'm not so good at it anymore. Oh, I fall asleep before my head hits the pillow, around 9:30 each night, but 2:30 rolls around and I am AWAKE. (Now, before you go thinking that maybe I'm going to bed too early, I want you to know that I have always gone to bed at 9:30 and slept like a rock until morning). In the middle of the night my mind is racing about baby stuff, or school stuff, or even nothing in particular and in general it feels like the barrista messed up my afternoon decaf latte order (even when I haven't had a latte that day).
Usually, at this point I become accutely aware of Ivan's snoring. And when I say "become accutely aware of", I really mean "begin plotting his unfortunate demise because of." Because at 3am, it seems quite clear to me that I would have NO problems sleeping at all, if he would just learn to breathe properly! The fact that my body is working in overdrive or that I've got enough hormones in me to fuel a teenage boy (thanks for that analogy, SATC!) doesn't enter into my mind, of course. So I set about pushing my poor husband around until I find a less offensive position or I go downstairs to the guest room. The result of all this, of course, is Zombie Teacher the next day.
But on a positive note:
3. I have boobs now. Listen, Ladies, I have always been a small-chested girl. And even though I've been known to joke about them on occasion, the truth is that I've always loved my boobs. They're "B sized" (meaning B, short for my name, and also my actual size, 32B). I've never had to buy a real sports bra- a bra tank worked just fine, and with the right outfits I could go braless
4. Pregnancy Acne Nature has a way of making a pregnant lady look as repulsive as possible, probably to keep other men away, because we are already being used for the propogation of the species. I am marked territory. I might as well be a giant peed-upon fire hydrant. And this fire hydrant has acne. All OVER her chest and back. Now, I have not been blessed with great skin genes, and neither has my sister for that matter. God saved those up for our jerk brother who never had a pimple in his life (and didn't need braces either). Meanwhile, my sister and I spend our adolescence traveling from one dermatologist to the next, trying every cream, lotion, and chemical peel. We both finally had some skin success with a miracle drug called Accutane. Accutane is a little controversial (a friend of mine reading this now refers to it as "the poison") but it was the only thing that allowed us to wear tank tops as teenagers without feeling like freaks. Well now my body is fighting back by producing the most awful, cystic bumps on my chest and back and they actually HURT. It's gross, I know. I'm sorry. But of course I'm not allowed to use ANYTHING that would actually help the situation- no products with salycylic adid, no benzol peroxide, none of my old stand-bys. Just me and my pregnancy-approved face wash against the world. Grr.
On the upside, I now have
5. Super-human smelling powers. I can sniff out a cookie from a mile away (my previous record was only a quarter of a mile). It's really incredible and amusing. Of course, it works on bad stuff too, which can be unpleasant, but I still feel like a superhero. So crazy!
Another positive note- I have
6. NO NAUSEA OR VOMITING Hoorah!!! I might be kicking myself later for saying this, but I think I'm past my tummy-issue stage. I haven't felt sick in at least a week and even then, it was more of a mild annoyance, not "run to the bathroom immediately" bad. I never even threw up (well, except for on the cruise we took to Bermuda during the hurricane, but I'll save that story for a day when I'm particularly disgusted with life and need a good venting). I know I am SO LUCKY to have escaped so easily on this front, so it even makes the back-ne seem not so bad).
But...
7. I think I smell bad I'm talking B.O. here. No one has said it to me (then again, who would?) but I think it's true. Again, gross. Again, fire hydrant. So now I'm obsessive with the Secret Clinical Strength Deodorant and I'm generally disgusted with myself. And of course this begs the question, "Did I always smell bad but now I can just tell because of my super-human sense of smell?" Yikes.
And finally...
8. Weight gain Now, this, I'm sure, has much more to do with the fact that I haven't worked out in weeks (save for a fabulous sister run this past Saturday) and that while I was feeling nauseous, the most soothing things to eat were delicious carbs. Oh yeah, and the trip to Wildwood, the trip to Chicago, and the cruise (after I was done puking I am a-shamed of the garbage I ate) didn't help things either. I'm not showing yet (nor should I be) but let's just say I've "filled out." Enough so that a table full of girls at lunch duty last week asked if I was pregnant. And let me tell you, just because I am, doesn't mean that it felt good. Because, like I said, I should not be showing. But my pants are definitely tight and though I've kind of been enjoying the more-or-less guilt-free weight gain, I know that it's time to get back on track. Now that I'm starting to feel better, it's time to get back to the gym. And although the baby really wanted that bag of salt and vinegar potato chips that I ate on Saturday night, it's time to start acting like a mommy and not give the baby everything that he or she wants, but save it for those special treats.
Like pumpkin spice Hershey's Kisses.
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