To Sleep, Perchance to Dream...

Ah, Sleep, my friend.  I feel as though we may have parted ways for what will be a long time.

The explanation that women in their third trimester have difficulty sleeping because their bodies are preparing them to function on less sleep once the baby arrives may be true, but is in no way comforting.  Getting a good night's sleep at this point in my pregnancy can be likened to a kind of obstacle course that would challenge even the most adept American Gladiator.  Allow me to elaborate.

Starting Line:
I prepare for the obstacle course of sleep like a seasoned sleep athlete.  I arrive to the starting line (my cozy bed) early- around 9:30pm- feeling completely ready for the challenge ahead, as I am usually exhausted.  I am prepared with all of the necessary equipment: maternity pj's, fuzzy socks, a glass of water for my night stand, and a dark bedroom with television turned off.  I go through my standard pre-race ritual:  take my prenatal vitamin, slather anti-stretch mark lotion all over my belly, say my prayers, turn off the lights, and snuggle up.  On your mark... get set... GO!

Obstacle No. 1:  Gymnast Baby
Unfortunately, while I am well-acquainted with the significance of the pre-race rituals, Baby H is a little less informed.  While the constant motion of everyday activities serves as somewhat of a rocking cradle, lulling Baby H to sleep, the welcome quiet of my body seems to mean just one thing to him or her:  party time.  Bedtime has become the witching hour.  For anyone who has never tried to fall asleep with a tiny person doing somersaults in their belly, I'll save you the suspense- it is no easy feat.  Sometimes the movements downright tickle, sometimes they feel strange, and almost all of the time they make me laugh and shake my head.  At times, I picture the baby dancing in there the way that Elaine does on Seinfeld, with limbs flailing while singing, "I know you're trying to sleep, Mommy!  La la la la!"  It can take an hour for the baby to relax enough for me to relax, so right out of the gate, I am running behind.

Obstacle No. 2:  Heartburn/Reflux

When I do manage to drift off after Baby H settles down, it is not uncommon to wake up after an hour or so with a wretched burning reminiscent of whatever dinner was that night creeping up my throat.  This is a sensation that I had never experienced pre-pregnancy and I hope to never experience post-pregnancy.  The pain, caused by decreasing room inside my body and the relaxation of all of my muscles, including the one that's supposed to keep food from traveling back up the one-way street of my esophagus, is intolerable.  It immediately sends me reaching for the water I have brought up to my room, but, alas, it seems to have the opposite of the intended effect.  The more fluid I try to take in, the less room there is in there, and the more the heartburn persists.  The problem is that the heartburn is usually accompanied by a case of dry mouth and I simply can't not drink something. The logic does not exactly work when you are so rudely awakened in the middle of the night.  Tums has become my new BFF.  I also try to prop myself to a semi-seated position to work against gravity.  Some ladies have told me that this was the only thing that saved them during those last few months.

Obstacle No. 3:  General Discomfort

This one is no big surprise- when you are carrying 40 extra pounds on a 5'2" frame, things start to hurt.  I've taken to wearing a back brace for part of the day each day to get a little relief.  During sleep, a giant belly can get in the way of optimal snuggly positions.  Turning over from one side to the other becomes a cardiovascular activity.  

Obstacle No. 4:  Bathroom Visits

I get up to use the bathroom no less than 6 times a night.  The dry mouth and subsequent chugging of water throughout the night does not help the situation.  Again, the non-existent logic.  In conjunction with obstacle number 3, the physical act of pulling myself out of bed and walking to the bathroom, a mere 5 paces from my side of the bed,  has become the physical equivalent of the Iron Man.  I audibly groan, as is my right as a preggo, just to make sure Ivan or any ghosts in the room know just how difficult everyday living has become for me.  As though Ivan would even be conscious to acknowledge the sound, but I do it all the same.

Obstacle No. 5:  Snoring Husband

This one is pretty straightforward.  When Ivan is sawing wood at a volume that would wake the neighbors and I am desperately tossing and turning as I deal with obstacles 1-4, it throws me into a murderous rage.  So as to add to the physical workout I'm receiving at all hours of the night, I begin trying to manipulate Ivan's position by any means necessary- pushing and shoving, kicking, poking, whining, it's all fair game.  All I can say is that it's a good thing that we took down the decorative swords that used to hang in our music room next to our bedroom (Ivan got them all as awards from Cutco, he's not like a medieval culture hound or anything) because I fantasize about grabbing one of those suckers off of the wall and brandishing it, Joan of Arc-style, as I set off to slay the Great Snoring Dragon. 

Obstacle No. 6:  Weird Baby Dreams

When I do finally manage to drift off to Dream Land, chances are that it will be filled with images reflecting my own fears of inadequacy when it comes to impending motherhood.  I know that I've shared a couple of these dreams with you in past posts.  They do not occur every night, but at least 3 or 4 nights a week I am plagued by baby dreams that are pretty much terrifying.  Just last night, I dreamed that Baby H, after attempting to latch on, looked up at me and spoke, to tell me that she (in this dream she was female) hated the taste of my breast milk.  For some reason I was not thrown by the fact that my newborn could speak, but was highly insulted that she didn't like what I had to offer.  And so I began to reason with her that since this was the only the first time she was trying it, it was the colostrum (for you ladies who are not moms yet, colostrum is the type of milk the baby receives for the first few days before the "actual" milk comes in.  I didn't know that myself, but my obsessive consumption of baby care reading material has educated me and it is clearly rearing it's usually ugly head in my subconscious) and that maybe she'd like the next stuff better but that she'd never get to that if she didn't drink this.  Because we all know that newborns respond very well to rational conversation.  I know, I know, I’m sick.

Finish Line:
Needless to say, most days the alarm clock goes off at what is actually a reasonable hour and what feels like the dead of night.  I have usually failed in my quest to get a decent night's sleep and the process of the day starts all over again.  I hit snooze an unconscionable amount of times and push my limits of being able to get myself ready in time- which is starting to take a little longer, considering that the amount of time it takes to lift my leg to put it in a pair of pants has quadrupled in the past few weeks.

Experienced parents love to hear about the fact that I can't sleep and all have the same reaction:  a good old, "Ha ha!  You think you can't sleep now!  Get used to it!"  They evilly get so much joy out of the fact that someone else is joining the sleepless club and now gets to experience what it was that they went through.  I'm going to try to remember this when I am a veteran parent and make every attempt to keep the glimmer of amusement out of my eye and try to sincerely empathize with any mom-to-be who is telling me of her struggles.  What good does it do to try to scare a poor woman who is feeling a little loopy as it is?  It doesn't. A pregnant woman's body may indeed be trying to prepare her for the exhaustion that lies ahead, but we certainly don't need to be reminded of that fact.  Instead, it's helpful to reminisce with her about all of the really fun things about being pregnant (which, I'll admit, my posts as of late have been pretty cranky and we're due for one that's a little more upbeat, so stay tuned!).  I've got to try to remember this as I join the mommy club- we must welcome our sleepy sisters with open arms.