Baby H will be my first child. Obviously. My first biological child. But, if you count my students over the past 9+ years of teaching, I've already had thousands. I know, I know, I know- it is NOTHING like actually being a mom and NOTHING can prepare you for being a mom, but even so, I love my students furiously and I think that all of my experience as an educator may have given me a teeny, tiny glimpse into parenting.
My students have taught me so much. I've learned to have a sense of humor. Some of my funniest life memories have come from my students. Over the years, I've racked up countless minutes laughing with these kids. I've learned not to get too excited about the good days or too upset about the bad days. I've learned that for however grown up they want to appear and want to be treated, they're really just babies who need a little extra TLC from time to time. I've learned that my kids will disappoint me. I've come to expect it, but I try to never let the disappointment pass by without remark, lest I miss the opportunity to teach a child the greatest lesson I can offer. And I've learned that no matter how much I love them, I eventually have to let them go. No matter how much they may admire me and promise to visit everyday once they've gone to the high school, they inevitably get caught up in their teenage activities and some kids I never see again. And I realize that this is the way it should be. They absolutely should be exploring all of the opportunities that high school life and beyond have to offer. Hopefully, they look back at their years in my music classroom with fondness and remember me as a teacher who truly cared about them as if they were my own.
So now I am at a crossroads- the terrifying prospect of being the one to say, "good-bye" to my students before they are ready to leave me. To be clear, my maternity leave plans are very open at this point. I know for sure that I will not be back for the end of this school year. I'm pretty certain that I will be taking next year off. And to be perfectly honest, Ivan and I have always been of the mind that once we have children, we would like for me to be home with them. Nothing is set in stone, and I have a ton of time to make up my mind- there are a LOT of options to consider, but I can't help but feel (and act like) this might be my last hurrah in the classroom that has been my home for a decade, and it gives me pause.
I should preface the remainder of this post by telling you that I fully hope and expect that once Baby H arrives that I will look back on this entry and these thoughts in general and laugh. Nearly EVERY working mom I have talked to has told me that if she had the opportunity to be home, she would be, and that she was MISERABLE coming back to work at first. And also, lest you think that I am a spoiled, self-entitled brat (which I very well may be), please know that I know that we are BLESSED to even be able to consider having me stay home with our kids and it would not be without sacrifice. We use nearly every penny of my teacher's salary each month, so our lifestyle would have to change dramatically (though from what I understand, that's in the cards as it is). Everyone tells me that once the baby is here the decision will be crystal clear, and I'm sure it will be. But for as much as I love this little lemon-sized (!) munchkin living inside of me, this is the only adult life I have known, so the thought of leaving it all together seems so scary and uncertain.
My students were SO excited to find out I was pregnant, but on average, the third question I'd get after the announcement was, "But you're still going with us to Great Adventure, right?" It broke my heart (I actually cried in one class) to tell them that I wasn't. Of course the 8th graders feel cheated that I will miss their graduation, but I keep telling them that at least it is for a wonderful, wonderful reason. I'm also getting a student teacher starting in January, which, at the time, seemed like a great idea. I thought, "As I get bigger and farther along, there will be someone to take over while I can be off of my feet." Now, though, I'm beginning to wonder if I made a horrible mistake accepting her request. I mean, I only have a few months left with these kids and I'm going to hand them over to someone else (someone younger, prettier, and not gigantic with child- what if they love her more than me?)?
I started creating a binder for the teacher that would take over next year, with helpful tips for each month, i.e., how to order the uniform T-shirts, when to give out certain forms, how to go about booking trips, etc. As I type each item, I find myself making the details more and more minute, wanting to share all of the knowledge I've gained after years of trial and error. And I find myself thinking, "This person is going to mess this up. They'll never get their T-shirts in time, everything will be a disaster," as if what I do is brain surgery. I'm just so possessive of what I've built- and even though it is just a moderately successful middle school chorus program, it is mine. And I hate to think of someone coming in and 1.) changing everything and doing it their way and ruining everything 2.) changing everything and doing it better than me 3.) doing everything I did and continuing on roughly the way it is. Lose-lose-lose.
Of course, there are days when I want to ring my students' necks. And there are days when I just can't stand the ins and outs of a school system. And just about everyday I don't want to wake up for work (more having to do with sleep being my new favorite activity and less to do with work). And today it was freezing cold and I forgot to warm up my car. During these circumstances, it's superfun to say, "Ah, in a year, I won't have to deal with this nonsense anymore. I can pack up my stroller and meet of my other (hopefully) stay-at-home mom friends at the mall for lattes and shopping!" (I know this is a fantasy, please don't ruin it with talk of screaming babies and not having a chance to take a shower, let alone leave the house. I'll deal with reality when it is here. :) )
I feel emotionally torn. In this (modern) age-old battle between stay-at-home and working moms, I have to choose a side. I wish it wasn't so contentious, and maybe it's only in my head, but I just keep wondering:
Will people judge me for not going back to work?
Will my students feel completely betrayed when I don't come back next year?
Will I be completely bored at home and feel jealous of my friends' and familys' active lifestyles?
Will I be out of the game so long that I'll be too scared to ever come back?
Will I lose my teacher friends?
And if I did decide to come back instead of stay home...
Could I actually do it?
Could I live with dropping my child off with a stranger each day?
Would people judge me for coming back?
Would I begin to resent my students for keeping me away from my baby?
It is a hugely emotionally charged issue, to say the least. And to contemplate it with a 3 year supply of estrogen coursing through my body each day (each day!) doesn't make it any easier. Not only that, I'm not contemplating it will all of the information, that information being my little lemon being actual baby-sized and in my arms.
I'd love to hear from you on your feelings on the issue- either through comments or emails or in person. I know this post was incredibly self-indulgent (having a blog at all is pretty self-indulgent, actually :) ) but it's what's on my mind this week. Cue my best Wendy Williams voice: Love you for reading!
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